So here we are on part 3, the final part to my mini biography. I needed these last few years to be together because this is where I hit rock bottom. At 25 my husband was working in a prison. A few months prior to my first suicidal thought, there was a huge riot that broke out while he was on duty. I found out through my sister, who had saw it on the news. I didn’t hear from him for 11 hours and at 3 a.m. I finally got a call from one of the employees telling me that he was alright. A lot of people had quit due to the riot and my husband was working a lot of overtime. At the time we worked completely different hours and we only saw each other for a little bit on Saturdays. This caused loneliness and stress so I turned to food for comfort.
I had gained probably another 40 pounds (80 pounds total). One day before he left for work we got into an argument. I don’t even remember what it was about. He left and I was pacing around our apartment frantically, crying my eyes out. I kept thinking to myself that I was ugly, fat, not good enough for anything, not going anywhere in life, etc. Things were just piling up and then I had my first thought about being dead. I immediately texted my husband and said, “I wouldn’t care if I didn’t wake up tomorrow morning.” I didn’t think it was a big deal, but he did. Obviously I do think it was a big deal now looking back, but at the time I was thinking, its not like I said I wanted to kill myself.
He came home right away and was very emotional. We talked and I just kept thinking, I don’t know why this is such a big deal. Then he probably said the most important thing that he has EVER said to me, “Do you realize what that would do to me, your family, and your friends?” I of course said no, because when I had the thought I wasn’t thinking about anyone but myself.
So about a month went by, my husband finally got a new job, and things were going okay until one day. Nothing really happened, it was totally out of the blue but I started to get really depressed. I made my first plan to commit suicide. My husband left for work, I hugged my cat, and went to my car. I started driving down the highway and my plan was to ram my car into one of those cement pillars under an overpass. I was crying my eyes out and thinking to myself, how in the hell did I even get here? was this really the only way out? please God help me.
Then I heard Austins (my husband) voice in my head, “Do you realize what that would do to me, your family, and your friends?” I pulled over, cried even more, pulled myself together, and drove home.
The next year everything was going good. I still had some sad moments but I wasn’t suicidal, I was attending therapy, and I thought everything was looking up. Right away when I turned 27 things went downhill. My self confidence was non existent. And to be honest it kind of still is to this day. But that’s what really kicked it off in 2018. I was having suicidal thoughts almost daily. My therapist thought that maybe it would be a good idea if I got on some medication. I also took a couple weeks off from work to be part of an out patient program for mental health at a local hospital.
After that things went good for a few months then boom here comes my depression to take over. During this time I had an absence seizure which caused me to lose my memory for a short period of time. That was a really scary time for me and my husband and I started to get even more depressed about life. Over the next couple of months my husband caught me with a hand full of pills and I talked myself out of hanging myself in the shower. Then started to think, okay if SOMETHING or SOMEONE is stopping me right before I think of taking my own life, I must be here for a reason, right?
Which brings me to today. I do believe I am here for a reason. I am here to tell my story and to put myself out there so people know that they are not alone. To teach people, who may not know much about mental health, what it is that I am going through. What millions of people are going through. One of my goals is to help people become more aware and to look for symptoms in your family and friends. I will tell you this, if someone has been struggling with mental health for awhile like myself, we are VERY good at hiding it. A lot of the time people just need someone to talk to, without feeling judged. And YOU could be that person.
I am no where where I want to be. I am currently attending therapy, reading self help books, exercising, blogging, meditating, and much more. Don’t beat yourself up if you didn’t do that last push up, ate a piece of cake, or didn’t get that thing done on your to do list. Take it one day at a time, do your best, and don’t forget to enjoy your life. I know this is cliche but you only get one.