On December 6th 1990 at 7:35 in the morning I came into this glorious world. Do I remember being born? Absolutely not, I just know that was the time and day. So lets skip to my earliest memory as a child. I’m not exactly sure the exact age I was but I think it was around 5 or 6. I’d like to think most people remember their first memory as a happy one, but not mine. I was in a U-haul with my Dad and siblings driving away from our house. Everyone was crying, while I had no clue what was happening. Obviously when I got older I would put two and two together that my parents had gotten a divorce. We lived in Iowa at the time, but we moved to Nebraska, where my parents are originally from. When we got to Nebraska we moved in with my grandpa.
From about the ages 5-8 I didn’t talk to ANYONE except just a few friends and my family. I had to take special classes so people could try to get me to talk more. I don’t really know why I didn’t talk. I think I was just scared and looking back, I know now I was a broken little girl.
When I got a little older I always felt like I was living a double life. I spent a lot of time in my room, alone. If I wasn’t in my room, I was at a friends house. I had quite a few friends but I felt extremely alone. My siblings are all older than me so I was kind of like an only child starting at the age of 12. My dad drank a lot and I hated seeing him drunk so I would find any excuse to leave the house. Or once again, Id just lock myself in my room and blast some music through my headphones to drown out any noise.
I didn’t talk about my home life with anyone really. I acted like it just didn’t exist. I felt like a completely different person when I was hanging out with my friends. I don’t know if they know this or not, but they helped me get through life.
When I was 15 I met my first serious boyfriend. I don’t know if you would call it serious at that age, but to me it felt like it. I know for a fact I was clingy and probably a bit annoying. But it was the same thing with him as with my friends. I just wanted to be out of the house to take my mind off things going on at home. Again I never told anyone that. I wanted everyone to think I had a normal life and was happy all the time. But I don’t think that even exists.
He broke up with me about a year later and it destroyed me. (as I laugh when I type that) Seriously at 16 that kills you! I look back at it and think to myself, okay why did I let that affect me so much? Life had way bigger problems ahead.
Before the age of 17 I had lost all my grandparents, a classmate, an uncle, and my stepdad. The older I got the more complicated life got. After my boyfriend dumped me I decided I needed a fresh start. So I decided to go live with my mom in Iowa. The day I moved my dad and my step mom were both crying and I started to think if I was making the right decision. Long story short, I don’t think it was the right decision for me.
I got to my moms house that day and I remember immediately breaking down. Thinking to myself, why in the hell did I leave all my friends, and my dad. I felt bad, I felt sad, and I felt mad. I knew I couldn’t go back. I had made my decision and my parents were going to make me stick with it. I moved there in the middle of my junior year in high school. This is where I truly experienced depression for the first time. I would go to school, come home, and go in my room for about the first 6 moths I was there. I cried a lot. I hated myself for leaving Nebraska. I had no desire to make any new friends or join any clubs. My mom was a good mom, but we are very much the same, so we clashed a lot.
Things did get better my senior year. I had new friends, I joined the choir, I had a job, and a boyfriend. We aren’t even going to talk about that one though because honestly it isn’t worth it. We dated kinda off and on before I eventually broke it off. Now apparently he hates my guts and I am okay with that. I ended up graduating high school and I felt like I was in a good place in life.
I want everyone to know that I love my parents so much. I do not hold any grudges towards them. I now know my dad drank a lot because he was hurting. And once you start drinking it is hard to quit. I know because I drank a shit ton throughout my high school years until about the age of 21. I have really great parents and step parents, I love them all with every ounce of my being.