The Very First Time I Thought About Suicide

Good afternoon everyone! I hope you all are having a pleasant weekend. It went so fast and I am sad its about over. Today’s post is going to be dark. I’m going to be talking about suicide, so if that’s a trigger for you, please don’t read this post. I have determined that I cant just share the happy times in this blog. I have to share the dark times as well. They are just as important. I am going to be sharing with you today the very first time I thought about committing suicide.

On average 123 people die from suicide every day and it is the 10th leading cause of death in the Unites States. I never EVER thought I would have such horrible thoughts. In fact I always wondered why it would even be an option for some people. The summer of June 2015 rolled around and my depression kicked in a little more. At first, Iย  just started thinking, well I wouldn’t mind if I woke up in the morning. Then to a few weeks later making a plan.

At the time my husband and I were working complete opposite shifts. I was working during the days and he was working nights. We never saw each other and it took a huge toll on my mental health. One day before he left for work we got in a huge fight about something dumb I’m sure because I don’t even remember what is was about. He left and about 20 minutes later I had texted him that I was feeling depressed and that I was having thoughts swirl around in my brain about not caring if I woke up the next day.

He came home immediately, visibly upset, sat me down and said, “Do you realize what that would do to me? to your friends? and your family?” I shook my head no. I wasn’t thinking about anyone else, I was simply trying to find a way out where I wouldn’t be hurting anymore. It was a selfish thing to think about. I thought maybe that would be it, but that was just the beginning.

A few weeks later my husband left for work and I had a plan. I pet my cat, walked to my car, and started to drive. We lived right off of a four lane highway at the time. I got on the highway and started to head out of town. My plan was to go as fast as I could in my car and run into a cement pillar under an overpass. As I started to accelerate my husbands words came into my head reminding me what this would to him, my family, and my friends. I pulled into a gas station at the next exit, sat in my car, and sobbed.

I like to think that God sent my husband to save my life. Because if he wouldn’t have sat me down, looked me in the eyes, and told me that, I may have gone through with it and I wouldn’t be here writing about it.

So that was the very first time I had thought about taking my own life. Unfortunately I have had more thoughts and I am proud of myself for not giving up. Depression sucks ass. I beg of you, if your are struggling, please talk to someone. Its hard, it is, but it can and will save your life. It gets better I promise you. You are so worth it, and whether you believe it or not, you have people in your life that love and care for you.

I am just an email away if you need to talk.

xo -court

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